Why am I always crying?

Everyone cries, right? Well, almost everyone cries at least a few times a year, I’m sure of that. I’ve mentioned before that I cry sometimes when I fall in public because I’m so angry with my body that the tears just come out. I think that I cry more than most people though. My mom cries a lot too; I think “crying easily” is genetic. One time I cried while watching Hannah Montana…it was sad ok!! But anyways, I tend to cry a lot and I hate it because it makes me feel weak. I remember when I was younger, my gymnastics coach would give me some constructive criticism and I would start crying. I don’t know what it was, but I think it’s just hard for me to hear negative things (although I don’t cry anymore when someone gives me constructive criticism). My coach would go up to my mom at the end of practice and tell her that I cried again that day…how embarrassing?! So everyone thought I was a crying little b*tch who had issues…lol. So yeah I cried a lot but I swear I didn’t mean to! When my coach would give me that constructive criticism, I wasn’t sad or mad or scared, but the tears would just come out and I couldn’t stop them. I think my tears are super tears, and they just fly out whenever they feel like it; I can’t control the super tears, they’re too strong! Now that it’s gotten weird, I bring you to my story.

This is not really just about one story but I wanted to take the part of my other blog post (Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up) about the crying and focus more on that and why I do it. So yesterday, I was walking my 80lb Golden Retriever back to the condo. The condo complex is a big building with many floors and many condos. The two of us were going up the elevator minding our own business when the elevator doors opened. Before I could even comprehend what was going on, I was pulled to the ground by my dog. He started fighting with another dog (which I did not think he would ever do). This dog he was fighting was a little pug; aka Marlin (my dog) should probably fight someone his own size. So there I was, on the ground, trying to pull Marlin away from the dog. I finally got him away and managed to put myself back on my feet. When we got back to the condo, I noticed a big rug burn on both of my knees. I thought nothing of it, until it really started bothering me. I forgot how painful rug burns are and how much they really do BURN. You may be wondering how this has anything to do with crying or FSHD but I’m getting to it, don’t worry. Let’s rewind: so as I was walking from the elevator, I walked past my dad and told him about what had just happened with the pug and Marlin. He said something along the lines of “that’s why you have to hold him tighter” or something like that. So I walked back to the condo (while my dad took Marlin) and lied on my bed. I started thinking about how whenever I walk Marlin; a simple tug from him and I’m on the ground. I can’t even walk my own dog anymore because I can’t control him. These are when the tears started coming down. I just got so annoyed and felt so helpless, that it made me angry. So many freakin’ problems come from this FSHD. I’m always falling, tripping, slipping, dropping things, crying. I just wish I was stronger and had all of my normal muscles back. I miss the days in gymnastics when I could do 100 pushups and sit ups, or when I could do round-off back handspring back layouts (gymnast jargo). I miss the days when people chose me for their kickball team because I was the fastest one. I miss it all so much, but I know that I can’t live in the past. Physical Therapy or surgery will never get me back to the way I used to be, but it will definitely help. I guess I just have to be more careful; but with all of this being said, the tears still come. No matter how much positivity I bring my way: I will always cry, I will always feel helpless and weak, and I will always be unable to stop myself from falling once I’ve tripped.

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